Carefree Highway - once you get past the DMV

My driver's license expired on my birthday a month ago. I put renewing it off as long as possible and was so successful at this procrastination effort that my license expired two weeks before I went to get it renewed. There's a reason for this dragging of feet and I know you'll completely understand.

I hate going to the DMV.

Really, it should be easy, right? Just go in, tell them what you want, pay your fee, take the little eye test, get your picture made and come out none the worse for wear.

But it never turns out that way and this time was no different.

I did a lot of self talk on the way there to keep myself from finding any excuse to put it off a little bit longer. I told myself things like, "you MUST get this done; you're going to get arrested if you get caught without it" and "only losers have expired driver's licenses". Helpful stuff like that.

At first, the DMV lady seemed very nice. I was prepared to be told that I would have to take the drivers test again since my license was expired. But I didn't so that was a good thing. I paid my fee (we're making progress here) and the time for the eye test came.

Now, really, this isn't hard. Put your forehead on the little thingy, push down, and read whatever line they tell you. Except that when I pushed my forehead on the little thingy, I couldn't see anything. I tried again. Nothing.

"I don't see anything" I told her.

And this is where it turned into the typical DMV experience.

"You're not doing it right" she said, condescendingly. "Bring your forehead down some. NO! Not like that. Don't bring the whole thing down - just your forehead!"

Trying to comply, I maneuvered my forehead into a different location but I still couldn't see anything.

"It's blank" I said. "There's nothing there."

Loudly, she says, "well, can't you SEE out of your left eye????"

"I can see fine out of my left eye. There's nothing there." (Side note: I should have added that even if I couldn't see out of my left eye I probably wouldn't have wanted it publicized to everyone who was awkwardly watching and listening, but in retrospect I doubt she would have cared.)

The woman working at the next desk suggested that, perhaps, the eye thingy wasn't plugged in. So, my helpful public servant starts checking connections and even goes so far as to get on her hands and knees under the counter to see if it's plugged into the outlet. So dignified.

In the meantime, her colleague walks over, presses the "on" switch on the eye thingy, then demonstrated true professionalism by tapping her colleague on the back (she's still under the counter) and saying, "back your butt on out of there....you didn't have it turned on".

Nice.

Believe it or not, this time it worked. I did get a very mumbled "sorry about that" from her, but I wanted to now feign deafness (since she thought I was half blind) and say, "I'm sorry....I couldn't hear you....what was that? SORRY you say? Did I hear you say you were SORRY?????"

My mom suggested that perhaps I should have recommended that she take the eye test if she couldn't see that her machine wasn't turned on.

So, in four years I get to do it again. I'm already dreading it.