Cool Mom

I'm a Cool Mom. No doubt about it. In fact, I might even be Cool Mom of the Year, possibly.


 And here's why.

For those of you who are Not Cool (unlike me), that's ZOO-MEZE. A self-described "mall-based, specialty apparel store which currently caters to teenagers and young adults". 

You will notice that the store does not promote itself as a retail establishment which "currently caters to Cool Moms". No matter. We are there anyway. 

We are not put off by the punkish young male "store clerk" wearing a muscle shirt and sporting pierced lips and tattoos on every observable inch of skin.

We shrug off the mind-numbing, eardrum shattering array of rap and hip-hop and the store owner's tolerance of allowing the employees to play their ipod selections of Jay-Z, Big Sean, and L.E.P. Bogus Boys ad nauseum. Child's play .Our generation invented rebellious music so don't be a troll and keep it legit, duuuuude.


Because we have ultimate Cool Mom Willpower, we are not influenced in the least when said "store clerk" tenaciously tries to convince Cool Mom's Son that he should buy the Obey Propaganda t-shirt with the picture of the oriental girl holding a military rifle on the front. I said No. No means No. Go shuffle your ipod.

(Oh, sorry Mr. Zumiez "store clerk" - yes, tenaciously is a big word isn't it? I would suggest a dictionary but that might be a waste of time so I will describe it for you here. It means Never Give Up. Never Surrender. It could be used to describe both of us, now couldn't it?)


And, yes, when the tattooed, pierced "store clerk" rattles off a string of obscenities to three 11 year old boys buying "I Love Boobies" plastic bracelets (a blog for another day), I will threaten to wash your mouth out with soap. Irish Spring soap. Ask Katie whether or not I'll actually follow through.


You'll find other Cool Moms like me in Zumiez. We are the moms that refuse to send our teenagers in unsupervised. We are the moms that are not afraid to say "put that back you're not wearing it anywhere anytime anyplace and don't argue with me because I have Irish Spring and I'm not afraid to use it and don't give me that look I invented that look." 


You'll know us when you see us. We're the ones who nonchalantly follow the teenager in and try to look casual, as if we're not secretly staring in shocked awe at those gosh-awful piercings and tattoos and not made in the least way uncomfortable by Mr. Big Sean and his beatboxing. We cast each other knowing glances as we pass between the skateboards and the tank tops, sending each other the Cool Mom Gang Sign that entails an intricate mix of eye-rolling, head nodding, and, in desperate situations, a wink which says "hang in there it's just a phase".


You'll find us in other stores, too, like Hot Topic, Aeropostale, and Hollister (oh, don't get me started). We're the last defense against money-grubbing "entrepeneurs" who want to sell our children garbage because it's what they say is in fashion. Because, you see, the people that market their crude, coarse, and inappropriate apparel and accessories to my teenager forget one very important fact.


I'm the one with the money.


And it's locked up safe and sound in my Cool Mom purse.